Whether it's bemoaning Pop Up Pirate's lack of realism or tackling the icky teachings of Cluedo, these keyboard warriors have toys in their sights.

Seven insightful online toy reviews

We’ve all done it, vented online about the worst holidays, movies or customer service money can buy.

Well toys are no exception, and here are some of the best toy reviews to be found on Amazon:

1. Cards Against Humanity review by D. Hanson

It’s already a controversial game that has graced the Daily Mail for its ability to offend, but the harsh extent of Cards Against Humanity’s potential for damage has been fully felt by Mr D. Hanson.

‘Played once and the vulgarity of the game made my wife question my morales and reverence to an almighty God. My parents were playing with us and in less than two rounds, they announced my part in the will would be changed immediately the next business day. They left our house for their home, a seven hour drive away, at 10:00pm. My wife hasn’t called in several days now, but the box works well for holding up wine bottles with which I pretend are my friends.’

2. Pictionary review by Sonia Kent

Not much to say about this, other than Sonia seems very difficult to please.

‘My grandson was delighted with his Pictionary, he and his friends had a fantastic time with it. Would have no hesitation in recommending it to others. One star.’

3. Cluedo review by MStandford7

Cluedo. It’s a classic game that’s been around since 1949 but some are still new to the concept, and although I’ve managed to play the games without going on to kill anyone, that didn’t help soften the shockwaves probably still making their way through MStandford7.

When I bought this game I didn’t realise I’d be teaching my children how to get away with murder. By implication, the rules of the game and its format teach young minds how to plan and carry out a crime and then evade detection by destroying clues. In Arthur Dhamer’s book about his son, Jeffrey, he discusses Jeffrey’s obsession with this game. Case closed.’

4. Tomy’s Pop Up Pirate review by Coxey250

There are many things you look for in a toy. Fun, safety, an educational element? Not Coxey250, for this user is all about the gritty realism when it comes to games aimed at children four and above. It was on this sense of authenticity that Tomy’s Pop Up Pirate just didn’t cut the mustard. Also, in what ‘modern day and age’ is this guy still getting attacked by swords?

‘Strangely a bit of a disappointment. When I get poked by swords I wince and grimace in pain, yet this little fella stays stoically silent. It lacks sounds and due to the random nature of the pop up, it just comes off a little bit of an anti-climax. I kind of want more from a toy in this modern day and age.’

5. Dream Phone review by A. James

Dream Phone was a 90s game that saw players recieve calls and clues from a secret admirer before they attempted to decipher who their mystery caller was. If you’ve never played before, it’s essentially a romantic version of the opening from Scream. Anyway, most would agree it was cheesy, harmless fun. But not A. James, who it appears, worrys that teens might actually ‘fall for this rubbish’. As for what it’s teaching young girls? Well, with the right combination of answers you’re pretty much guaranteed one of 24 dream boys.

‘What on Earth is this teaching young girls? Shocking that this game is on the market in this day and age. I hope my daughter has more self esteem and a bit more sense than to fall for this rubbish.’

6. Dobble review by Oskar Sherry.

Oskar Sherry, with a name suitable for both a Bond girl or villain, gives a warning of the dangers of Dobble that I’m sure Esdevium felt was a tad too long to squeeze on the side of the tin.

‘Dobble cards are not a viable alternative to playing cards when having a game night. One round of strip poker descended into madness with half naked women fighting over whether or not a cactus meant that they had to remove another item of clothing. Through all the commotion, I went to light up outside, at which point in my drunken stupor I slipped on one of the Dobble cards, dislocating my back. A few hours later at the ER, I received a correspondence from the doctor saying that this was the fourth Dobble related hospitalisation that year.’

7. Baby Einstein Take Along Tunes review by Xaxyx

And what better way to finish than with the words of a maniac. Opening with ‘my son loves it’, it soon becomes clear that, for Xaxyx, that simply doesn’t matter. He or she isn’t quite the target audience for the toy but that doesn’t stop them from having a right old go at it. Oh, and the final line sounds like it could’ve been written by Buffalo Bill. Creepy.

‘My son loves it. He finds the toy’s music soothing; he enjoys banging the toy against various surfaces; he even managed, at only six months old, to figure out how to get the toy to play its music, by pushing the big, colorful button on the front. Sounds like a win, eh?

But consider, for a moment, the nature of this device. It’s a huge, thick hunk of plastic. While the corners aren’t particularly sharp, anyone who’s been struck in the skull by the rounded end of a heavy object knows that it hurts. Really, if you were going to *explicitly design a toy* for the intended purpose of tricking babies into smacking themselves in the head, what might you choose? A colorful, musical, heavy object, with one swiveling handle? Bing bing bing bing bing! We have a winner.

Admittedly, we do still on rare occasion hand this innocuous-seeming device to our son — though only when he’s on a floor-level surface, and only while being closely monitored for possible forehead injury.

Otherwise, it’s tucked away in a hidden location, its mysterious music floating gently into my son’s ears, taunting him, reminding him of the toy that almost was.’

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